"Mrs. Candelaria, it's been two years since you have been to the dentist!" I've never actually been yelled at by a member of the medical profession until May of this year and it is not an experience I would like to repeat. Shamed and embarrased, I slunk my way into the dentists office just before I left town. After a couple quick x-rays and a peek inside my mouth, the situation was deemed grim.
4 cavities and two fillings that needed to be replaced. Being that I haven't had a cavity since the late 70's, the fillings are from a different era. They are some sort of silver metal and have, I am quite sure, contributed greatly to my ADD, short term memory loss and irrational behavior between 1991-96. They were cracking and apparently they are not the kind of thing you want to accidentally swallow while you are asleep, lest you could wake up with a third eye or the ability to pick up French radio stations. "But I'm leaving town.." I said, hoping to buy myself some time. "You need to find a dentist in Idaho. This can't wait."
So I found myself this morning at Lake View Dental Clinic, home of Dr. Bruce, DDS. A seven AM dental appointment is brutal enough but add to it that I was unable to have coffee and Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" blaring from the speakers and well, you get the picture. It was then that I remembered the magic phrase "I would like Nitrous Oxide please." "Of course!" One plastic nose attachment and some long deep breaths later and I was doing much better. I think it was kind of a bad sign that the other dentist, an older gentleman with white hair, still wearing safety glasses, walked in, leaned down by my ear and said in a voice a little too soft for comfort "Now this is the way to start a morning, right!?" Why yes, I thought to myself, especially if you're a crazy dentist with an addiction to laughing gas.
Nitrous Oxide is a wonderful thing. It's like a two cocktail buzz with no hangover. They should let you carry a personal tank of it wherever you go. It would come in handy on a daily basis. Meetings with your accountant. Before your brazilian bikini wax. Parent -Teacher conferences. A couple of deep breaths to take the edge off and make the day just a little bit sunnier. I was starting to feel really relaxed, not even flinching when the 12 inch gleaming silver needle was injected into my soft gum tissue.
Then they started the drilling. I made a little gesture that was meant to convey "you guys and all dentists should be required to have on hand and in stock those Bose noise-cancelling headphones because even if you cant feel a drill grinding away your enamel, the sound of it is enough to make your stomach turn" when the hygenist said "Would you like some headphones? Let me get you a pair and a CD." She darted away and quickly returned with my listening options. Country Music. She flipped through a case of CD's and I made my choice. The Steve Miller Band. Not a huge Steve Miller fan, but it beats the hell out of Toby Keith for 2 hours.
Headphones on, deep breaths, "I want to fly like an eagle...to the sea....." I chuckled slightly and thought to myself, "I haven't been high and listening to Steve Miller before 9 AM since Homecoming of 1993." (sorry mom) It was then that my relaxation gave way to panic. My mouth you see, is pried open, full of sharp instruments and rubber objects, drills and operating cloths. All I could think about, all I could imagine was "what would happen if I sneezed?" I pictured drills ricochetting and making holes in my front teeth. Metal pokers being flung and lodging in my thigh. "Don't sneeze. Don't sneeze. Don't sneeze." More deep breaths. My nose starts to itch and I think I'm done for when the Dentist pushes his chair away and says " OK that's good. We are done. With the top - we still have two more to fill on the bottom it should take about another HOUR"
Now, I'm a Steve Miller fan, but he doesn't have nearly enough hits to get me through another HOUR of drilling. I took off my rubber happy nose and managed to say something akin to "thanfs, bub I fink ib hab enouf fo today. ill comb baf neft week." And made a beeline for the appointment desk. Props to Dr. Bruce, and the lovely staff at Lake View Dental as the novicane is now wearing off and everything appears to be OK. See you next Tuesday at 7 AM sharp. I'll bring my own music.